You know sometimes…

Do you ever wonder how the circle of life works in a way that you eventually end up where you started? Or if I say it more precisely, then gradually, you get to see that, what you are seeking, is seeking you. So far, I have been a person who has always been a, giver. Like, be it emotional support, or love, or time, anything, that has more value than currency and utterly important in life as well. A point comes when, all your resources are, drained, and you are just like an empty, hollow vessel. Or perhaps, a broken one, that even if you pour anything into it, it would eventually, leak out. That emptiness, I tell you, it kills! It’s like, you are breathing, eating, waking, sleeping but, those eyes, damn! They reflect the emptiness, that, hollowness inside you. You feel like a, zombie; a flower, which lost its fragrance, a rainbow with shades of grey. It feels, so heavy, every time you inhale. It’s a near to death experience. The eyes are lodged with the baggage of melancholy and sleepless nights. You keep on seeking, but the search never ends, neither on a thing, nor on a person. Those smiles are hollow, and fake. For once, we decide and try to move on with life, but those long empty nights, bring back all the flashbacks and boom! you are back to base zero. All those efforts of distraction, pulling yourself out of that miserable state of abject devastation, seems like going in vain.

You know, throughout our whole lives, we run after and chase the so called perfect love. In everyone’s book, the definition of perfect varies accordingly, but the bottom line is, true love is the one, which stays forever. But, no one ever explained that how far this forever goes. Like, is it a whole life time, an eternity, or is just a mirage. For some, this forever is as short as a sneeze, while the others keep waiting even after the putrefaction of the physical entities. Perhaps, your forever might be different than mine, but trust me, forever is a long way to go.  Or maybe this whole idea of perfection is just a myth!

There’s a very popular saying, “There are two kinds, I believe, of human attraction. One, that merely excites, unsettles and makes you uneasy. The other, is the calmer, less frantic love, which helps you to grow where you are already growing.” The people that I once loved utterly with so much devotion and gave my every ounce of love to, whenever I think of them now; it makes me hate the idea of love. I know this is weird. Love costs a lot, a lot! And here I am not talking about monetary terms, but, the emotional and spiritual expenditure and that is definitely forfeited and cannot be retrieved back, ever! When you love someone, you give them a part of yourself, and that part is lost with them, as they go. And my friend, what sort of love is this, which intoxicates you so badly and costs you the only prized possession that you own!

For love, to be perfect, does not need to be a fairy tale or a happy ending. Sometimes things are not falling in the place, or probably how we expected them to be, but its okay. It’s okay if you are not able to control the situations, its okay if things are not happening according to your plans, its okay if you are left heartbroken. What not okay is, to let go the best things at best times because you are being blind folded by your tremulous past, still holding upon things, embracing the pain. You don’t deserve it. There are people waiting for you, to shower all of their love upon you, to make you feel special, to embrace you, to tell you how beautiful you are, to walk with you, hand-in hand, to talk to you about your favorite food and color, to make you some birthday cakes and yummy morning breakfast. Maybe god has different plans for you, the better ones, the happier ones, the healthier ones. So, gear up! Wear your armors of positivity, fight your sorrows and miseries, dodge all those toxic rats/mice and clutch your happiness like your winning trophies!

Lots of love and best wishes to you guys.


रात के अंधेरों ने छेड़ दी आंखो से दो बात, तो छलक उठीं और बोलीं, सुनना चाहोगी इन खाली खिड़कियों के कुछ राज़?

कभी ये भी रूमानी थी, चहकती थी, बोलती थीं,

ये सिर्फ आंखें नहीं थीं, आयिना थीं, जो कि मन की हर बात दिखा देती थी साफ

मेरे अंदर मैं थी, खुश थी आबाद थी, पिंजरों से आज़ाद थी,

और फिर एक दिन, चुपके से चुराली किसी ने मेरे अंदर की उस मैं को, और पहन ली मेरी आज़ादी ने बेड़ियां मोह की,

खुशी थी, डर था, दर्द भी था ज़रा, पर गैरों में कोई अपना था, मन्न था उम्मीद भराफिर

देखते ही देखते, कुछ दूरी का एहसास होने लगा, सोचा मैने ये भी शायद ज़रूरी होगा,

दूरी का गम तो मीरा भी सेहती है, आखिर एक ही चेहरे पर दोनों आंखें भी साथ कहां रहती हैं?

पर इस बार का मर्ज़ कुछ अलग था मानो, अंदर कुछ चटक सा गया हो,

जोड़ने की खूब कोशिश की पर, दरारों को छुपाना कहा आसान है

फिर भी ज़िद्दी ये मन्न, मानता कहां है, चोट खाई, लड़खड़ाई, संभली, फिर गिरकर उठ चली..

ज़िन्दगी के उस किस्से को खुद का हिस्सा दिया, उसी किस्से के साथ वो हिस्सा भी छूटता चला गया

भूल कर सब बढ़ना चाहती थी मैं, हर बार से थोड़ा आधी थी मैं

नफरतों का बोझ ना था साथ पर प्यार भी अब न था,

बढ़ती जा रही हूं मैं चलती जा रही हूं, खुद को खोकर बस, हंसती जारही हूं

तभी भोर का एक अंश आकर इन आंखों पर बैठा और जब उस अंधेरे ने देखा वो सन्नाटा, देख कर वो भी ना रह पाया, ना सह पाया, सो चल दियापर समझा गया एक बात,

की खोकर खुद ही रंक राजा, और राजा रंक बनते हैं, आखिर समंदर किनारे के खोखले सीप ही तो मंदिर के शंख बनते हैं।।


एक खयाल…

ये काली रात के साये हैं, जिन्होंने तेरे जाने के किस्से सुनाए हैंया खो गया था तू कहीं, और इन दूरियों का अहसास हमें अरसों बाद हुआ,

मेरी खिड़की से जो झलक रही हैं बिजलियां, बादलों से आंसुओं का पैग़ाम कोई लाए हैंया तेरी आंखो के झपकाने से कायल ये आसमान हुआ,

सन्नाटे भी लिए ये खुद में बोल कई, जिनके नग्मे खामोशियों ने गाए हैंया तूने फिर चुपके से यादों में मेरा नाम लिया,

ये तेरा होना – ना होना महज़ कोई छलावा, की तेरी यादों के समंदर में लहरें उठ आई हैंजो डूबा तो तिंको से उन पलों का सहारा हुआ,

ये काली रात के साये हैं, जिन्होंने तेरे जाने के किस्से सुनाए हैंया खो गया था तू कहीं, और इन दूरियों का अहसास हमें अरसों बाद हुआ।



Hey there, you all must be thinking that this line which you can see highlighted in bold text above, must be written by some 35-years enthusiastic, money making hotshot with his TUCK-IN-PANTS-WITH-ZERO-CRESE SHIRTS, wearing geeky John Jacobs, sitting in a large black couch with an espresso in hand, making some shitty stock exchanges with his so-very-expensive ipad, probably a millionaire with utmost success and planning some exclusively expensive foreign trip or may be a happy retirement plans down the line. But but but, suppressing your surpass expectations, there’s me, a 21 years (not so old), lethargic, bored, yet trying to develop an unexpectedly extreme interest in my subject just so that I could seek for some research ideas for a Ph.D. programme, which more than an interest, has become a necessity. This tragedy started about 7 years before, when I, begged my father to let me opt biological sciences as my subject in my +1 (I still curse myself for that decision and that mayday). Though he was the one who suggested me not to, or simply choose Arts or Commerce as my subjects, but like any other stubborn teenager, I didn’t listen a single word of him and see, I brought myself to the doors of hell right in my face! Two years of high school, I anyhow managed and thought that, OK, it’s not that tough. Took another shot, three years of graduation, and guess what, time just evaporated like vapors in the air. Even before I could realize the volatility of this prestigious time, it was already gone. Then finally, I got admission in my post graduation, and this time, I seriously wanted to take things serious, but, thanks to myself, I mean, if there would be some sort of award for sleeping and wasting time and money, then I would definitely own one.
And now when I have realized that things were too hard to achieve and if I have got these opportunities then I must make the best out of it, because if I’m here and not the rest of the thousands of students, who gave exams like me and could not make it till here, let’s make it worth. But honestly, I also realize along with that, it’s been quite late because 5 years and still counting the minutes, I simply wasted them like anything and the hardships from the past seem nothing in front of what is coming on the way. And yes, now I can see and say that, LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN SOOOOOOO EASY, that I have been simply sitting back and writing this shitty thing which I am going through, right now. And I know that I might not be the only one who is going through all this, there are hundreds and thousands who are going through this phase right in, right here. May be you must be thinking that we should have chosen something else earlier, or maybe want to change it all now by switching to some other field. But just one more thing I want to add up here is, it’s OK! It’s ok to feel shitty sometimes, it’s ok to stress out sometimes, and it’s ok to not have a plan rather than building castles on clouds. After all, we all are humans, it’s our birth right to make mistakes. But the best part is, at least we are thinking, we are trying our best to reach somewhere, at least we are living, with all our organs in place and functioning properly.
I know, things are taking time, but trust me, what’s yours, will always going to be yours, either by hook or crook or in any ways. Just keep trying and NEVER QUIT! And you never know, the one whom I have descript above, can be you or me, so just keep smiling and wake up every day with the urge to learn something new and the zeal to do something productive. You never know, what next moment brings to you! So just straighten up your back, and fight, because we are all warriors, fighting our own battles. To win or to lose might be a matter of fate, but at the end, what will bring satisfaction to you would be that you fought atleast. So, enjoy the journey, the destination won’t look far, just like some school roadtrip. . It’s just a bad day, not a bad life!


दुनिया के इस बाग में एक और फूल खिला, जिसकी महक से मानो मन का मैल धुल-सा गया हो,

पर न जाने क्यों भगवान उसे काँटे देना भूल गया, तभी तो सब उसे आसानी से तोड़कर, मसलकर, कुचलकर फैंक देते हैं।

The Journey Begins

Yeeeaaaaaaa, so the journey has been started. Actually, not today, but it started years ago.

ये कहानी शुरू हुई थी सन् 1997 में। 25 दिसम्बर, यह दिन बाकी दिनों जैसा ही था, सर्द हवाएं, ठंडा-सा सूरज, ऊन की चादर और एक चारदीवारी। पर यह दिन किसी और के लिए खास हो न हो, मेरे माता-पिता के लिए किसी त्योहार से कम न था, और क्यों न हो, आज उनके नौ महीनो का इंतजार जो खत्म होने वाला था। चीखों के एक सिलसिले के बाद दूसरा शुरू हुआ, पर इस बार की चीख दर्द भरी नहीं बल्कि चंचल एवं हर्षोल्लास भरी थीं। आंखों में नमी थी, पर उनमें छुपी खुशी असीम थी, क्योंकि उस दिन मेरी माँ ने बेटे को नहीं, एक बेटी को जन्म दिया था! ❤️